Over the next week or so I want to do a little myth-busting that will help you and your kid during this new school year.

MYTH If my kid is quiet and not causing problems, they're doing fine.

Truth Quiet isn't the same as understanding. Sometimes stillness is a stress response, not compliance.

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We think of the quiet kids as the "good kids," right? But sometimes the quiet kids are struggling just as much as the over-active kids, if not more.

If you have a quiet kid, it's important to get curious to determine if they're quiet and feeling good, or if they're quiet because they're distressed. Here's how:

1. Check the body, not just the behavior. Quiet-and-okay usually comes with a relaxed body. You might see loose shoulders, steady breathing. Quiet-and-distressed often shows up as stillness with tension: clenched hands, a fixed stare, or being unusually still in a way that feels different from their normal quiet.
2. Compare it to their baseline, not to “normal.” The question isn’t “is this quiet normal for a kid,” it’s “is this quiet normal for this kid right now.”
3. Notice what happened before. Did the quiet follow something hard? Distressed-quiet often has a prior trigger, even a small one.
4. Watch what they do with unstructured time. A kid who’s quiet-and-okay will often self-direct: pick up a book, doodle, hum, wander toward something they like. A kid who’s quiet and distressed tends to go still in a way that has nowhere to go: staring at nothing, not settling into anything, or fixating on something without engaging with it.
5. Offer a low-stakes opening, not a direct question. “You’ve been quiet. No pressure to talk, I just wanted you to know that I noticed.” This gives them an opening to share without putting them on the spot (which is often answered with a "fine").

We obviously don't want quiet-and-distressed kids, because we don't want any kid to be perpetually distressed.

If you suspect that your kid is quiet-and-distressed at school, but the distressed part is flying under the teacher's radar, you can ask the above of their teacher(s) too.

When the stress level leads to shrinking or turning inward, it's a signal of a detrimental amount of stress. If you determine that your kid is a quiet-and-distressed kid, the next step is to help resolve some of that stress — that's where your power is.

If you have a quiet-and-distressed kid, what have you found useful to relieve some of their stress? Reply and share it with me... I'd love to know what's working for you.

With so much heart,