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I'm in graduate school right now, working on a certificate in Applied Educational Neuroscience. This week we've had synchronous class every day, learning about the nervous system and co-regulation. While I know a lot about this topic, I'm also learning new nuances that I can't wait to apply to my work helping all of you. For example, how asking a child to share the sensations they're feeling instead of the emotions they're experiencing can feel safer, less vulnerable, and less demanding.
Power struggles and co-escalation (versus co-regulation) were a deep topic of discussion in today's class, which actually dovetails into this week's podcast episode on PDA. When we assume a kid "won't" when they actually "can't," their nervous system instinctually responds to that as a threat...
"My parent doesn't listen."
"My parent doesn't understand me."
"My parent just wants it done their way."
"My parent just wants to control me."
👆 That's what they hear between the lines.
And if that's what they hear, nothing will be successful. Instead, we need to pivot in our communication, language, tone, and nervous system state to open the door for them to come willingly on the journey with us.
Parenting/educating isn't about hierarchy or power. It's about collaboration to support the kid's journey, not ours.
I hope you'll check out the podcast episode on PDA with Stacey Curnow. She has a really compassionate lens for PDA we can all learn from.
With so much heart,
p.s. — Did you know every podcast interview is also posted on Youtube now. So if you prefer to watch, you can... right here. Be sure to subscribe and share as well.
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364: PDA Through a Problem-Solving Lens: Moving from Power Struggles to Partnership
with Stacey Curnow, LCMHC
In this episode, I sit down with Stacey Curnow, LCMHC to talk about PDA: what it is, what it isn't, and why she reframes it as a persistent desire for autonomy rather than a pathology. We get into why even a gentle request can register as a threat to a PDA kid's nervous system, and why fight, flight, freeze, and collapse are really all the same signal wearing different clothes.
Stacey walks through Dr. Ross Greene's collaborative and proactive solutions model, why "I won't" is so often actually "I can't," and how slicing requests thinner, asking instead of telling, and choosing connection over compliance changes the outcome of these moments. We also talk about the nervous system math nobody warns you about: when your child's nervous system gets overwhelmed, yours very often does too, and what it looks like to extend that same compassion to yourself.
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Parenting Quick Tip
Get Smaller
When a direct conversation feels impossible, shrink it down into a small, low-key moment instead of a sit-down talk.
Step 1: Pick a relaxed, already-connected moment, like a car ride, a walk, or picking out a snack, instead of calling a formal conversation.
Step 2: Gently name what you've noticed in one short sentence. "I've noticed this has been hard for you lately. What's making it hard?"
Step 3: Let them answer in their own time, and resist turning it into a bigger conversation than they're ready for.
Why It Works: For a child whose nervous system reads even a request for conversation as a demand, a casual, low-pressure moment removes the threat. Slicing the ask down to its smallest possible size keeps their nervous system out of fight, flight, freeze, or collapse long enough for real communication to happen.
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Need more help?
I've got you! Whether you're raising or educating neurodivergent kids, teens, or young adults, I can provide some relief and a path to success. Here's how:
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SUPPORT THE MISSION
This newsletter and podcast are free and reader-supported.
If something here has helped you understand your child a little better or made a hard moment feel more manageable, you can help keep this work going by supporting it here. Even a few dollars a month makes a difference.
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